


Ladies' Night

by ElvhenGlory (wyrdo)



Series: Pride's folly [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gossip, Grease References, Ladies' Night, Pack Bonding, Racial Differences, girl talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-21 10:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12456208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyrdo/pseuds/ElvhenGlory
Summary: The inquisitor gets gifts from all over the world.  One night, the ladies get together, no boys allowed, to go through the beauty products and talk.  An unexpected product reveals a lot about the Inquisitor and her friends.  As contributors, Fellandris, and booze.A prompt of my own making.  "Aren't they kind of... hairy."





	Ladies' Night

It was girls night at Skyhold - well in the Inquisitor's quarters anyway -- No Boys Allowed. In fact, a crudely written sign was tacked to the door from the main hall in Sera's handwriting. It included an X over a rather odd nose - No, that definitely wasn't a nose.

In honor of Harding's supply run, She, Dagna, Sera, Cassandra, Vivienne, Josie, a spy lieutenant code named Chandler and the spymaster, Leliana had dragged Creators knew what alcohols up the inquisitor's tower where they were slowly pickling their livers and plying each other with beauty supplies that had been sent to the Inquisitor from all over Thedas.

"Just try it, Widdle" Sera pleaded holding Dagna's foot in a death grip. "Your toes are so..." Sera paused, licking her lips

"Substantial? Lovely?" Leliana supplied shaking her purple hood off her red hair and revealing delicate features that few had seen since she became the left hand.

"I was thinking... Phwhoah" Sera said, "But I'll take it." Sera answered with a grin. She had more padding than most elves and would have been beautiful if her lips has not been too big where her nose was too small. Her pale blonde hair looked as if she cut it herself without the help of a mirror but her slate grey eyes were full of mirth and mischief and her smile changed everything.

In Sera's hand was a toenail stain in dark orange with what appeared to be flecks of summer stone floating in it and she flopped down next to Dagna unceremoniously reaching for the dwarf's foot.

Harding's hair was down which softened her features even more and did a lot to conceal her soldier's posture. Behind her chair stood Vivienne who was slowly working perfumed oil into the dwarf's red-brown hair. Harding leaned back against the chair back, closing her own eyes which were such a pale green as to appear grey. Her short legs were propped on a pile of pillows for comfort.

Vivienne's coal brown skin, chiseled cheekbones and black eyes made her stand out in any crowd, but in this one, the enchanter was also the tallest. Her figure, cheekbones, and tightly curled buzz cut were the epitome of Rivaini beauty.

Ellana Lavellan too sat in a chair, her cream colored hair cut into a bob while Leliana who had suggested a hairdo she had once worn in order to keep Lavellan from cutting her own hair again stood behind her working tiny well placed braids in and clasping it with elastic bands and beads. "Yours is too curly to be so short, it would be everywhere in just two weeks." Leliana had said.

Dagna, pointedly ignoring Sera, was rolling fellandris into cigarette papers.

Josie and Cassandra were idly going through a crate of supplies.

While working those tiny braids into Ellana's hair, Leliana was telling a story about the year that feathers were terribly popular in Orlais and her patron, Lady Elise had decided to wear live songbirds only to be completely shat on.

"Oh, aye." Sera laughed, looking up from her fierce concentration on painting Dagna's toenails "Jenny worthy."

Suddenly, Cassandra gasped dropping something and leaping away from the crate.

"What is it?" Josie asked, reaching for the Nevarran

"P..." Cassandra choked "P... P..."

"Is it poison?" Leliana asked, dropping her braid and pushing Josephine away from the crate. "Let me see."

Leliana picked up one of the Inquisitor's gloves and pulled it on while Cassandra shook her head hard.

"Not poison? Then what is it?"

Leliana's gloved hand pulled a small but inocuous jar from the crate. Chandler, a tiny Tantervalian with a mastery of accents, eased up behind her with a handful of ash from the fire.

Leliana's dainty laugh did what Cassandra's coughing and spluttering could not.

The room relaxed as Leliana held up the jar, labeled "Paragon Penis Polish" her highbrow Orlesian accent danced over it. She continued to read the label, now completely unable to contain her mirth. "Now," she spluttered "with bee venom."

Cassandra made a disgusted noise. The room erupted in laughter.

Ellana looked among her friends. Polish? A shem thing? But no, Sera too was rolling on the floor mumbling something like "too funy, don't pee." over and over.

Feeling more and more like a Dalish savage, she leaned toward Chandler who was holding her chest with her free hand and tossing the charcoal and ash back into the fire. "Do.. uh... Do the human ones need a lot of polishing then?"

Chandler looked up from wiping a giant ash stain on her trousers just stared at her. Then she laughed even harder.

"What is it?" Josie asked, but Chandler could only grip Ellana and lean on her as her laughter turned a corner toward hyperventilation. Josie turned her puppy brown eyes on Ellana who silently begged Falon'din to drag her through the floor.

"Oh please, Inquisitor, if it is so funny that Chandler needs to hold a pillowcase to her face" Chandler was in fact breathing into a pillow case having gone far past the line from laughter and into hyperventilation "you must tell us."

Indeed, the whole room looked at her expectantly. Ellana flushed to the tips of her ears and stared down at the scented sugar scrub in her hands.

"I.. um... I wondered if um... if the other races grow dull if they aren't polished... or else... why...?"

The room exploded in the middle of her stumbling sentence. Sera progressed from just rolling to rolling and holding onto her crotch, presumably to keep from releasing her stream.

Ellana crossed her arms, she didn't think it was funny at all. "Mythal's sake," she grumped sticking her toe into her fellow elf "Would you just go pee already?"

Harding looked up, noticing the look on Ellana's face. As one of the only two in the room that worked FOR Ellana rather than WITH her; Harding straightened up, tossing a pillow at Chandler who also straightened up, resisting the urge to salute.

"No my lady." she answered the question.

"WAIT!" squealed Sera, holding up a hand. "Why's it got bee whatsit?"

Cassandra mumbled something.

"Wassat?" Sera asked as Leliana said "Come again?"

"To. Make. It. Bigger." Cassandra enunciated her brown eyes staring daggars at the Nightingale.

"Oh, Creators," Elana breathed realizing she hadn't really considered why this polish had been so humorous "That has to hurt." Then her eyes too became playful.

"Does it work?" she and Harding asked at the same time.

"Why?" Dagna asked pulling her foot out of Sera's hands. "Is Hightower lacking in that department?"

Harding cut a look at the older Arcanist that would broil nugs but didn't answer.

"Wait, I thought she liked Professor tightpants. The Starkhavener." Sera reached back for Dagna's foot. "Which one's Hightower?"

"The one who architected the tree houses in the Basin."

"Isn't he kind of... hairy?" Ellana asked

"He's. a. Dwarf." Harding said slowly and carefully.

"Goes without saying." Chandler finally rejoined the conversation.

"So... wait, Inquisitor... um... my lady? Have you never seen a human's um... thingy?" Dagna asked.

Ellana regarded the little arcanist. The one that had her by at least 10 years but still looked like she could be Ellana's dwarven daughter.

"I spent my first thirty-two years in a Dalish clan and the rest here with you lot." she shrugged. "Not so many chances to interact with humans and dwarves, and after Kirkwall, racial Qunari were vanishingly rare in the Free Marches."

"So you've only... done it... with elves?" Harding asked.

"Yeah?" Ellana asked, sounding anything but sure of herself.

"I have seen the way the Commander looks at you." Cassandra said, her clipped accent belying the warmth of her words and her lips curving into a secretive smile "I am certain if you put your mind to it you could... how do they say it in Antiva? Tap that."

She's only got eyes for Elvhen Glory." Sera said making a gagging noise and poking her fingers toward her throat.

"Who?" Chandler asked. Harding leaned forward as if asking the same question herself.

"Easy to miss, pompous broody ass tangle with his head up a thousand years ago."

"A historian?" Chandler asked trying to make sense of Sera-ese.

"Bald, broody elfy bits who hasn't met a dye lot he didn't shun..." Sera said as if it would mean anything to anyone else.

Chandler shook her head, eyebrows pushed together.

"Elven apostate named Solas, Chandler, I am certain you have met him." Leliana said "but he does tend to blend in, speaks little, and all of his clothes are homespun and roughly the same color." Leliana stopped trying to find something that would make Solas stand out "Oh. He wears an animal's jaw bone as a talisman."

"No..." Chandler started, but then something occurred to her. "Tall for an elf? Very sharp features? Butt chin?"

Vivienne nodded, "Though in polite company it's referred to as 'cleft' or 'dimpled'" she couldn't help but drop in.

"You chose that over smut in a lion's mane?" Chandler asked "His mind better do one armed push ups until the cows come home." Chandler knew Ellana's preference for intelligence having met and struck up conversation in the Caer Bronach library.

Chandler had been playing wicked grace. Ellana had been looking for a book. Chandler had helped her find the title she was looking for among the crow shit.

Chandler, however, was like a Mabari with a bone. "Maybe if he grew a beard?"

Sera rolled over and looked at Chandler. Ellana too stared a bit. Leliana stifled a giggle. "What?"

"Have you ever met a bearded elf?"

Chandler thought about it, finger on her chin. "Can't say as I have."

"There is an ancient tale, passed down from elfy mother to elfy daughter." Sera said, steepling her hands the way Varric did before a story. "It tells of the king of the elves and the king of the dwarves and a wager over a hand of cards. The wager was whiskers but the wine was strong, like that piss Bull likes, and soon all their body hair lay upon the table."

Sera stopped, bored of her game.

"So..." Josephine said. "Who won?"

"Huh?" Sera said, seeming to decide NOT to put Dagna's foot in her mouth and to massage it instead. "Whod'you think?"

"Blackwall?" Leliana guessed before catching Josie's look. Chandler giggled.

"Stupid ass." Sera said, without any real feeling.

"Is this a Dalish tale?" Leliana asked. "I have never heard it before."

Ellana cleared her throat as Sera burst out laughing. "No." the smaller elf said "I'm pretty sure she just made it up." Sera brayed a laugh while Ellana leaned back, pondering the concept at a different level.

"So... wait." Does that mean humans are fairly hairy too?"

"You have met Blackwall, right?" Chandler said as everybody but Josephine couldn't help but laugh.

"Wait a cotton pickin minute!" Sera shouted, rolling over onto Dagna's leg this time. "How'd you know about bee sting and dangle bits?" Sera said, pointing a finger at Cassandra.

Cassandra made a disgusted noise. "A book?"

"People write the stupidest shite." Sera said

"If I had to guess, it's a rumor started by dwarves." Harding said, inspecting the label before passing the jar on to the next giggling companion, "You know, because they are so..."

"Do tell." Chandler said, pinning the Scout with her eyes.

Harding held her hands a good eight inches apart then moved a bit more.

"No way," Josie said.

"Either that or Qunari," Vivienne said "and I somehow doubt that the Qun allows for a sense of humor."

Ellana watched her friends gossip and giggle, wondering what in all that was holy they got out of knowing her. She had already tried to eat the "sugar scrub," she shivered at the idea of men with body hair everywhere, she used berries and charcoal as beauty products where they had fancy powders, rouge and kohl.

She didn't even share their god. Every person here, with the possible exception of Dagna, who had never really spoken of the Maker was Andrastian. The so-called Herald couldn't even tell Benedictions from Exaltations. And as a former member of a circle, Dagna still belonged here more than she.

She **was** the savage those painted shems at Halamshirol had seen.

She sighed, leaning back into the chair, Leliana reached down and picked up her half finished braid.

"So," Cassandra said, a mischievous look coming into her own eyes. "How little hair do elves have?"

Ellana shrugged, It depended on the elf really. "Enough? I don't know, ask somebody with a wider pool of experience." She humphed trying to decide if she was more annoyed at herself, or at the topic of conversation.

"Somebody must have boinked all four races." Chandler said, her shockingly indigo eyes tightening as she regarded all the ladies present.

"Or not." Cassandra said as the silence stretched.

"Three?" Chandler tried again.

"Darling," Vivienne cut in. "No lady worth her mettle would kiss and tell. There is but one way to go about such a study."

"Indeed." Chandler said, as if the idea of chasing down members of every race and jumping them appealed to her.

"I imagine that any differences we might find in our own experience is more related to the individuals we choose. Though i suppose we might sponsor a study at the university if we cared enough" Leliana said in an attempt to end the conversation

Josephine giggled.

"So you have met a bearded elf?" Chandler asked the spymaster.

"No, that does appear to be a racial difference we can all agree on."

Following the jar of polish, was the rolled fellandris but Ellana waved it past, continuing to stare at the jar.

"Does all that hair tickle?" Ellana asked the question on her mind, as unrelated as it was to what was in her hand.

"Sometimes" Cassandra said, her eyes taking on a faraway look, "but in a good way." Cassandra sighed "Whiskers can tickle, but in the right place and time it can be... arousing."

The seeker's lips turned downward and Leliana touched her shoulder. Ellana had some notion that Cassandra had lost somebody at the conclave, but short of a name Cole had provided right before they had taken on some nasty demons, Cassandra kept her loss to herself.

As her friend, Ellana wasn't the sort to pry.

"I've had all but one." Sera said shrugging seriously before adding "but for some reason few were all that hairy and none were bearded."

When her comment was ignored, Sera made a disgusted noise and yelled. "You know, because boobs!"

"Yes dear," Josephine said sounding for all the world like Vivienne for a moment. "If there is anybody who knows you in the Inquisition who does not know your type, I would be rather surprised. In fact, few in this room could not recite your favorite bra size."

Josie grinned at Ellana and then Sera as the whole room save Chandler and Harding recited as one "36C"

"And don't you forget it." Sera said throwing a victory signal.

"I guess Sera and I have far more in common than we think." Ellana said thoughtfully

Sera looked up from her contemplation of Dagna's now dazzling toes. "Hmm?"

"Our preferences are alike, you and I."

Sera made a rude noise. "Sure, Inky, excepting for the penis."

"Excepting that of course."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ha! so that was a long break, right. I have been working far too hard. This one is being snuck in before one you may have already read. So be careful.
> 
> Other Interesting Notes.
> 
> 1\. I came up with this mess after reading a dorian/inquisitor story where quizzy whines about never being able to grow a beard. Imagine Ellana trying to understand why the others could be drawn to "all that hair". Over 15k words just to drop the line "Aren't they rather.... hairy?" So a prompt of my own making.
> 
> 2\. Yes, i have seen Grease WAY too many times. I've seen Grease II more often than most people I know. Stockard Channing was an early girl crush, and yes, I am _almost_ that old.
> 
> 3\. I made some comment about how smooth Solas' responses are to a friend who looked up at the screen and said "yeah, but i'm not big on butt chins." So, yeah. Using it.
> 
> 4\. The inquisition spy network is named for jobs, Butcher, Baker, Painter, Butler and being a huge mother goose fan, i found it terribly upsetting that there was a butcher, and a baker but no candlestick maker. Thus Chandler sprang fully formed. Indigo eyes and Tantervailan accent (whatever that is) and all.
> 
> 5\. RE: "except for the penis" I did once make a similar comment to a lesbian friend who responded in much the same way as Sera did. In my case I was speaking more politically than sexually, but it was still funny.
> 
> 6\. Professor Tightpants - because there is not enough Firefly in this world. IIRC Kenric's pants weren't that tight, but we'll let it go this time.
> 
> 7\. There is a section of the Kama Sutra (i think) that explains in great detail how to lengthen one's penis for her pleasure. Specifically by smearing it with bee venom and sticking it through a hole in a board one is laying face down on. I still cringe. I am totally not making that up.


End file.
